Tuesday, July 3, 2012

'There's something wrong with your computer Sir!

I think I will start counting the number of Calls I receive ‘cold’ from one of those ‘outfits’ that keep ringing, nearly always in the early evening. I hate to say it, but they are nearly always from the Indian Sub-continent. I am pleased however that TV One’s Fair Go is going to have a one hour special on computer safety tonight. I shall try to comply with their recommendations on the ‘cold calling.’ I suspect that they are going to say to hang up immediately.
I think I am more likely to have them on. We all get sick of these calls and once you have figured out how to ‘understand’ them, then----well--- don’t get mad---get even. I love to waste their time. I have this game I play about how much time I can take and also to see if I can get them to swear at me. It may sound a little churlish of me and some of you may say that desperation breeds this sort of call. It is hard to make a living in India and Bangladesh, so maybe I should have a little more understanding in my reaction.
BULLSHIT! What these people are doing is totally wrong. They are attempting to get remote access to our computers and thereby rip us off and compromise our computers. Desperate or not--- they are conducting an illegal operation and even they know the difference between right and wrong. Whatever we manage to throw back at them is OK in my books.
Back to their calls: The phone rings and there is a delay--- that is a sure sign that the call is coming from overseas, so when you hear that delay--- be prepared to either hang up or have your strategy ready. Remember---- you wasting their time is protecting some other poor bugger from the ‘assault.’
They sometimes even know your name and it is hilarious hearing them struggle to pronounce my name—hell--- how hard can it be to say ‘Coleman?’ I get COLLEEMAN and all sorts of other machinations. They then say that they are ringing from, God knows what company. At this stage you can say you are busy and ask them to give you their number so you can ring back later and don’t forget to thank them for ‘caring.’ One of the following things usually happens.
They either hang up or they give you a bogus number or they start their sales pith all over again. I have sometimes sopped and listened or have told them to shut up and listen to me. They don’t willingly do that because they are straying from their ‘set procedure’ and you just know that someone like a supervisor is listening in the background.
Sometimes I let them rave on and let them think that I am indeed truly thankful for them pointing out that there is a problem with my computer. If you choose that approach, be quite over the top, dramatic and use a posh accent--- that sucks them in.
Now start asking them how they know--- their responses are so funny and most unlikely. At this stage their voices change--- they sense a ‘kill.’ They launch into some totally crap sales-pitch that only the most na├»ve amongst us fall for. OK---pretend to fall. They will ask you to push this or that key on your computer. Frustrate them by appearing really ignorant. Become emotional—cry and make piteous calls for help and thank them again for caring about you.
Keep them on the line by ‘forgetting’ what they just told you and they have to start all over again. Then, have a senior moment--- a naughty one. Reminisce about the past--- about how people were never this helpful when you were younger. Ask them what they are wearing---- oops this is really getting into the bizarre. Sometimes at this stage they realize they are being taken for a ride and they hang up or their voices sound like they are getting a bit pissed-off. You may hear a supervisor in the background given them advise.
I have managed to get them to swear at me and what they said and my response is way too hot for this site. I had taken up about 18 minutes of their time.
Sometimes I tell them that the NZ police have warned us about their ‘service’ and that we have been advised to hang up--- or they do it for you. I have said that I can identify with their position in having to do work they know is wrong--- hang up again.
There is a serious side to this, apart from the obvious illegality of it all. Some people are natural targets and for them I say--- DO NOT TALK TO THEM. Hang up immediately. It is only for nutters like me to have the fun, and thereby protect you innocents from the endless assaults.

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