Sunday, April 8, 2012

Humans are easy to train

I was having a cup of gravy-beef stew the other day, eating of course from an old Crown Lynn bowl that I insist is the only vessel from which I eat. My friend Finn was visiting and he didn’t seem to mind the plastic one, although I did see him giving his owner/servants some sidelong glances. I suspect there will be words spoken when they get home later--- things are going to change.
We had just got back from the Onehunga Dog Walkers Bay. I get so annoyed that it isn’t officially named as such on the maps, but once again, we are working on that. I mentioned it to the local Member of Parliament the other day, when he fortuitously dropped in to see ‘he who thinks he is master.’
I must say that Phil (we are on first names basis of course) is doing a good job. I know he didn’t win the last election, but he does look so much more relaxed. He has a dog just like me, just a bit older. Hopefully I can go and visit him one day soon. I am sure we can help with policies, even if Phil is the Foreign Affairs spokesman. Perhaps we can arrange visits to other countries so that there is more of an alignment with Commonwealth policies on Doggie rights.
It was so easy to get Neil to take me for my morning sojourn down at the park. I like that word, s-o-j-o-u-r-n---- so sophisticated, but my methodology is much more down to earth. I just act a little crazy and Neil knows what’s coming. It’s his choice--- take me down to the bay or say goodbye to any plans for a decor update in your lounge. Mind you, once he gets there and starts gabbing away to his friends, well--- time just flies. I have to remind him every so often that standing talking doesn’t sit well with me. I just jump on some lady wearing something fashionable and that is enough to move the group on. Sometimes Finn, the Golden Retriever crossed with Gods knows what, has a few tricks too. He loves to run really fast, missing the humans by centromeres---a little reminder. I of course stand by innocently--- they mistake my expression for cuteness, when what I am really portraying to the other dogs is one big laugh---- If the humans only knew.
Things got a bit chaotic today. There were lots of walkers and Neil nearly hit some of them on the head, when he threw the ball with that littler thrower he likes to use. I don’t think he can throw the ball far without it. I love it when the other dogs try to chase me and catch up. I know some of them can run faster, but I gig and jive and they run past me. I saw something on TV on the History Channel the other day. It showed a HARRIER Jet stopping in mind air and the other jet sweeping past, thereby exposing itself to the wrath of the harrier. I’m something like that—a little Jack Russell harrier jet dog. Some of the other smaller dogs try it on, but I pretend to bite them and they veer off, so it’s not only humans that I control--- dogs beware too. You make a huge error of judgment when you take me on. Naturally I have a few big friends, so that if any nasty dog shows bad breading, I have an ally or two.
In the past when I was little (Don’t say it--- I’m still little) Neil could never get me to come to him, for the return ride home. I trained him so that he needs to have my favourite treats, to get me to come to him. If I don’t like them, well he has to wait until I am good and ready. I let him think he has me ‘trained now.’ I go and sit with my flashing eyes, full of love, looking up at him. I put on that shivering thing he thinks is so cute and he kneels down, near enough for me to lick his face. I let him lead me to the car, whereupon I jump in and receive my reward.
Oh—life can be so simple. Neil stays home with me most of the time in weekends and holidays. I got him so well trained that he feels guilty if he leaves me alone for too long. I think he would take me to work if he could, but that may be pushing it. Anyway--- even I need to rest sometimes. That is when I dream about what I can do next to amuse myself and train him more.

I can even get away when I have caught a fish!