Saturday, April 14, 2012

Chapter 2--'Talk To Me.'

2   

   ‘Right Garry--- lets not have the shenanigans today eh?’
    ‘Oh God—does she ever let off--- I’ve just walked in the door. It’s bad enough that I have to look at the cow. Damn, it wasn’t like this with Fran. We got on just fine. She intervened rarely and I have to say, appropriately, but this woman--- well--- I don’t know what her problem is--- she seems to want to control every moment that I’m on air.
    ‘Now look Garry--- we don’t have to fight. I’m just doing my job. We’re supposed to be a team you know.’
    That tone--- it drives me nuts.  ‘No—you look Jean. You’re supposed to encourage the smooth flow of my show and comment when needed, but that’s it--- when needed. Got the picture? You talk too much and I’m bloody sick of hearing your voice in the middle of my chats. It interrupts my chain of thought. You don’t understand the subtleties of talk back. If people get upset by what I say--- that adds to the appeal. That’s why people listen--- it’s a bloody show!’  Ooops--- I’m shouting. Good—her face looks red—maybe she will get it.
    ‘You’re so wrong Garry. Yes it’s a show, but it is an informative one, where people get to discuss their views in a safe and rationale way.’
    ‘Give me a break Jean. What the fuck are you on?’
    Please don’t use that language to me Garry. I won’t take it.’
    ‘Then get the fuck off my back you silly cow.’
    ‘You’ve gone too far Garry. I am going to take this to the manager. You haven’t heard the last of this. Now – please get to your place--- the programme starts in a few minutes.’
    ‘Show--- Jean--- it’s a show. Programme my arse.’
   ‘Damn--- I think I have gone too far this time--- but she gets me going. Oh well—it’s not the first time the boss has needed to see me. I better get the latest ratings--- that usually shuts him up.  Two minutes to go--- better get in. I set myself up--- I have my favourite chair--- fits me like a glove, but speaking of gloves--- they are off if she speaks to me like that again.
    ‘Garry---we have breaking news---- stand by please.’
    She said please--- Oh my God. ‘Ah---- OK Jean.’ Mmmm—that’s wasn’t so hard.
    ‘Good morning everyone. Hey we have breaking news--- be back to you in a few minutes.’
    ‘A body has been found at the lagoon near the old port. Police report that a group of walkers and their dogs found the body hidden in a flax bush. One of the dogs alerted its owner, who immediately called the police. The identity is unknown at this stage. Police are not saying at this stage if foul play is involved. The ladies who were walking are unavailable at this stage for comment. Victim support is talking to them.’
    ‘OK Garry--- you’re on.’
    ‘Wait Jean--- that’s the ladies I walk with after work--- give me a moment please?’
    Shit--- I wonder if that was Cecelia or Marge—maybe it was Shirley. Hell--- they must be pretty messed up. Better text them.
    ‘Garry--- you look terrible--- are you OK?’
    ‘Can you play some music---ah---I think I know those ladies--- that’s where I walk.’
    ‘Just take your time Garry—I will play a back-up interview we have been meaning to air for quite some time--- mind you it may generate a bit of traffic too--- it’s about an unsolved murder--- you know--- that girl who disappeared last year--- the ten year old?
    ‘Yes I remember that--- thanks Jean.’  She is being nice to me.
    I texted Cecelia.  ‘Was dat yu hu found body?’  I waited a minute then—‘yip--- bloody awful—talkin to vikt suprt.’  I sent back----‘R u going back there later?’  She said---‘see ya then—bring a bottle--- joke’ I said---‘Right—bye—back on air..’ I sat for a few minutes thinking.  Shit, those poor ladies. I know they’re pretty tough but that’s terrible. I hope they didn’t know the dead person.
    ‘Garry--- are you OK to continue? The interview has nearly finished.’
    Where’s the tone?  I’m not sure I can cope with this. The light came on.
    ‘Talk to me people. Yet another murder in our fair city. At least it’s not a kid this time.
    ‘Bad tastes Garry’
    The bitch is back--- Oh well--- I knew it wouldn’t last.
    ‘Bad news--- the real bad thing is that I walk in that park. Makes you feel unsafe I reckon. We have John on line one. Hi John—how’s your day?’ 
    ‘Morning Garry. I suppose they’ll catch the bugger and give him a few years so he can come back and do it all again. I’m so sick of----‘
    ‘We all are John--- but lets catch him—or is it a her?’
    ‘Course it’s a man. Women don’t do that. Anyway—is the body a man or a woman?’
    ‘Wait John--- something’s just coming through.’
    Police have just announced that the body found in the lagoon was that of a male aged in his early twenties. From all appearances, the body was dumped but shows no signs of injury. The police are interviewing several women who regularly walk in that area. Victim Support is also talking to the women. As yet, the victim has not been identified. The police are appealing for anyone who may have been in the vicinity of the lagoon late last night to contact the following number.
    ‘Still there John?
    ‘Yes-----I bet it’s gang related---a deal gone wrong.’
    ‘Don’t you think we should wait John--- you know—until we know more?’
    ‘They should all be lined up against the wall and shot--- or stick them on an island and let the buggers kill one another.’
    Right--- thanks John.  That was John’s take folks. Let’s have a commercial break.
    I looked across at Jean, behind the glass. She sits alongside a receptionist. They love to save space and money. God--- they’re so damn penny pinching. I would have thought with the great ratings we achieve that they’d be raking in the money. Perhaps she feels a bit cramped. She smiles, in that supercilious way that I am sure she has cultivated since she came here. It seems to say---‘just remember Garry--- I’m your boss,’ and ‘you need me.’
    ‘Ready for the next call Garry?’
    ‘I nod and turn away, looking at the clock on the side-wall.
    ‘Todd—how’s your morning going?’
    ‘Better than yours is gonna be Garry.’  What a God-damned awful voice, I thought. It’s one of those that you can’t get out of your mind.
    ‘And why would that be Todd?’
    ‘I killed him Garry--- right by where you walk every day.’
    ‘What---this isn’t something to be joking about Todd—someone is dead.’
    ‘Just think Garry. It could have been you and that little black and white dog you walk with.’
    ‘Keep him on Garry.’ Jeans face looked ashen. That smile was well and truly gone. I felt a sudden chill course down my back.
    ‘You think you’re so smart eh---- you and your lady friends. I bet they’re shitting themselves now, cause I know they listen to you on their headphones if they’re walking.’
    He’s been watching me. I don’t believe him, but he knows I walk with Spot and the ladies. Pull yourself together boy.
    ‘So you know I walk my dog there. What’s that prove Todd--- if that’s your real name.’
    ‘Keep him on Garry--we are on to the police and they are trying to check out where he’s ringing from--- hang in there.’  She had a desperate tone in her voice, quite unlike anything I had ever heard before--- even when I swear at her.
    ‘Todd---- this is all a bit hard to believe. Heaps of people know where I walk. God--- it’s even on my blog.’  Don’t lose it. He’s full of crap.
    ‘Don’t bother to try and trace me producer person. You really think I’m so stupid as to ring from my own phone. I just broke into a house--- they got nice stuff here too. I’ll take that gold antique clock when I leave--- better go—catch ya.’
    I’m sure I’m sweating now—its dripping down my back. I doubt the guys for real, but still--- I’m getting an uncomfortable feeling about this.
    ‘Garry—they got the address—but I bet he’s long gone. You did well. I think you better call it a day. Jim here’s gonna take over the rest of your shift.’
    ‘‘Thanks Jean.’ My God—the lady’s got a heart.’
    ‘‘The police are here Garry. They would like to talk to you before you disappear.’
    Bugger--- that’s all I need. Picking Spot up and going for an early walk sounds like a much better idea. They better be here soon, otherwise they can see me down at the lagoon—I bet the ladies will want to catch up with me too. ‘I’ll drink some of that crap coffee they try to make out as top-shelf.
    ‘Garry Thompson’? ----- Detective Sam Hunter. I won’t take up much of your time. Pity we didn’t get to that guy in time. It wasn’t far from here actually—but he had gone, with his goodies and I suspect that the car he used was stolen too.’
    ‘What---- you got all that already?’ I thought I’d be nice to them. You never know if this all turns out to be true.’
    ‘It’s looking pretty much that he knows a lot, even if he didn’t kill the guy. His knowledge of you and your mates walking must be taken seriously. I would stay away from the lagoon if I was you though.’
    ‘Fat chance detective--- I think I am more sacred of my dog not walking than that creep.’ Shit did I really say that? ‘I doubt that the ladies I walk with will be put off too.’
    ‘Look Garry--- we can’t be putting a watch tag on you--- it’s your risk.’
    ‘Fine with me Sam. Now, how can I help you? No doubt the lady behind the glass can let you hear the caller--- we keep the recordings for quite a while.’
    ‘Did he sound familiar to you Garry? More often than not, these people are known to the victim--- well you’re not a victim--- yet.’
    ‘You trying to scare me Sam--- well it’s working but I’m still going down there—just as soon as I pick up my monster.’  I really don’t feel like I sound.
    ‘Suit yourself Garry, but here’s my card, if you notice anything or anyone, should I say.’
    ‘Oh--- right. I’ll be off then.’
    ‘Just one more thing Garry. The dead guy was pretty messed up. We’re dealing with something pretty bad here and we don’t have a clue as to who it is. When I came in here, I heard from headquarters, that there is absolutely nothing on the deceased that points us in any direction. We know who he is now. He lives at a half-way house--- he seems or seemed harmless to anyone--- wouldn’t hurt a fly from what I can gather---- so be careful.’
    ‘Will do Sam,’ I said confidently----not.



My blogs are officially banned in Australia

Could it possibly be true, that even though I have expressed my love for Australia, with our shared history on and in so many fields, that Australians have been forbidden to read my blogs?
The evidence is clear there for all to see. Their parliament met the other day to discuss a private members bill, seeking to block my blogs. With all the blocking going on, I have been unable to reply in a way in which I can put my case.
Of course ot get to the truth, Australians will need to read my blogs but here we are in this difficult time in our history--- the poor buggers are denied the truth. However, they have forgotten the fight column.
Yes, there are hundreds of thousands of Kiwis living in the land of OZ, some of them have even become Kwassies, just waiting ofr the chance to pounce. I hear that they are about to launch a counter-strike, revealing the existence of my blogs. Then, the real truth will come out and my blogs will receive the status they deserve.
Then, and only then, will I receive feedback. I have big shoulders and I can assure my coussies that the reading of my blogs will not result in a new exodus of Kiwis to your sanded beaches.
Check me out, when you visit our shores and maybe I shall give you one of my recipes for apple crumble. I can even share some humble pie with you.
Now, get on the phone and have that private members bill thrown out--- for good. You need my blogs to lift your spirits. I promise that I will read yours, so it may come down to a question of--- of I show you mine, will you show me yours?

HEY MATE--- WHAT YA GOT AGAINST OUR APPLES?

For those readers outside of NZ and Aussie, you will possibly be a little confounded by my title. Let’s put you straight even though I am risking the special Trans-Tasman relationship. I am of course talking about the more than eighty years in which Australia has banned the import of our superior NZ apples.
The stigmata goes back a long way--- there was once a possible issue about NZ apples having some sort bug that could  potentially affect Aussie apples. Over the years NZ has done much to alleviate these unfounded fears. We have used our scientists to try using fact and research--- all to no avail.
Aussie apple growers, especially the Tasmanian ones have trotted out spurious counter-fact and succeeded in banning our apples.
NZ finally took the Australians to an international court and naturally, NZ won and the ban was reluctantly lifted. Did that shut the farmers up? ---- Of course not. Can you ever think of a time when Australians happily bowed down to anything Kiwi? Let’s face it--- when it looks like NZ is about to drop one on the Aussies, they have been known to send a low-ball at us.
What is so sad is that by denying entry to NZ apples, the Aussies have had to settle for a less than satisfying home-grown product. They are really frightened that the plethora of choice and the sheer tastiness of NZ apples is the bigger threat by far--- not some imaginary bug.
When NZ apples are freely available in Aussie, watch this space.  We are going to hear their rapturous cries of delight as the juices drip down their happy faces, from this side of the ditch. We will be most satisfied to supply an ever increasing tonnage of our very best, even if it means that we have less for ourselves. Don’t worry--- we are not a selfish people here in NZ; we are delighted to share this long withheld secret to our coussies--- hey what’s family for?

Friday, April 13, 2012

'Talk To Me'--synopsis


SYNOPSIS FOR    TALK TO ME.
The world of talk-back radio is a fickle one. The ratings can make or break the station broadcasting the show. Personalities are involved and back room money crunchers rule.
What happens when less than scrupulous managers employ some shady tactics to boost the ratings?
Gary is a popular host and has difficulty confining himself to the rules of the station. He balances his stressful life by walking his dog, Spot, a cunning Jack Russell, at a local park. He is friendly with a group of fellow ‘walkers.’
A scheme is hatched by the managers and Garry is soon in the middle of a cat and mouse battle between a dubious character with his own agenda, who rings in to the talk back show to taunt Garry while he is on air. Things get way out of hand.
You will laugh--- you will be frustrated--- you will be angry, probably enough to ring in some poor bugger doing his job in the real world, so I apologize in advance to all the hard working talk-back hosts.
The story is a tongue –in-cheek; take the piss exposé of an unreal world. Unfortunately it has a ring of truth in it too.
 Look for the first chapter on my blog.
While you are at it, read the first chapter of ‘The River Always Flows.’

Don’t forget to click on the adverts. That is how I am going finance my books.
  Thanks
 Neil Coleman
neilcolemanauthor@gmail.com

Free trip to the moon and Mars for the person who clicks and gets me over 5000

Yeah right--- But I shall have a drink in the next few minutes to celebrate 5000 hits--- wish they were all clicks on the adverts though. I am two months ahead of where I thought I would be. Now--- I want to hit 10,000 in the next month!

Feijoa and apple with ginger crumble (with added post-scripts

A LONELY FEIJOA
Many New Zealanders have a back yard and in the climes north of about Taupo, it is possible to grow Feijoas amongst many other fruits and vegetables. Of course all of NZ is conducive to having a garden and fruit trees. I have heard that Feijoas even grow in parts of the South Island.
It is not uncommon for people to have one or more Feijoa trees in their backyards and have the fruit rotting on the ground. What gets me is that some of these very same people will then go and buy the fruit at something like $6 a kilogram: Is that not a little crazy? The same people, if they have a garden will grow veggies and not even harvest them. I will not go near talking about those people who have the space, claim that they have no money, but do nothing about growing and harvesting their own produce--- there is so much help out there to help them if they are a little lacking in role models. Oops--- I said I wouldn’t go there.
Now--- what is a Feijoa? It is a fruit with origins in the milder climates of South America. It is a fruit that NZ has made its own, by developing it until it resembles the wonderful; fruit shown in the picture. There are many varieties in NZ now. It has a little problem in that it doesn’t store well and quickly becomes over-ripe--- indeed the best to eat are the ones that have just dropped from the tree. The ones you see in the shops have usually been picked and are never quite the same, because of the waiting period for them to ripen.
What of the flavour? It isn’t for everyone. I would describe it as sweet and highly scented, almost floral. It makes excellent wine too, because of these qualities. It is highly nutritious with lots of Vitamin C The best way to eat them, freshly picked off the ground is to cut them in half and scoop out the creamy flesh with a teaspoon. Don’t eat ten or more or you will find that they will have you being best friends with the toilet, but then, most people don’t overindulge like I do. They can be cooked too, into jams, used in curries and mixed into general fruit salads. I love them combined with apples, rhubarb or almost any fruit in a crumble. Here’s a recipe. Quantities are very general and simply don’t matter a hell of a lot.
Feijoas and apple with a littler sugar, bubling away.
Use any dish—for whatever size you want the dessert to be.

1)    Scoop out the Feijoas (put the skins inn the worm farm---I’m good eh)
2)    Chop up any apples you have –amounts don’t matter.
3)    Cook in pot with a little sugar or sweetener (Stevia maybe)
4)    When soft---- once again---- your choice--- well cooked or still retaining shape----over to you. Place in cooking dish. You can add cinnamon if you wish.
5)    MAKE THE CRUMBLE.
6)    You can use the traditional flour, butter and sugar mix but I go for a more exotic taste. This one is gluten-free.
7)    I blitz seeds like sunflower, sesame, pumpkin and linseed (over to you again) and combine it with gluten-free baking mix (or just use rice flour), then I rub in the butter with my fingers. It feels great. Use as much or as little as you wish.
8)    Use wither sugar or a sweetener and a very generous amount of powdered ginger. I use half of a small packet. Mix it all well and taste---- No---- don’t eat it all--- it is very tasty.
9)    Pack the crumble loosely on the top of the cooked Feijoa mix and bake at about C180 for about twenty minutes. Just keep an eye on it so that it doesn’t burn.
I am sure you can figure out what you wish to have as an accompaniment.  I love NZ ice e cream with mine--- hokey pokey.

Damn--- I ran out of ginger, so I will use powdered Cardamon in the crumble. I shall let you know how it turns out.

The cardamon worked a treat--- Mmmm--- next time I shall try allspice---ya never know till you try--- but make sure its with forgiving friends.

I took a punt yesterday and---

Sometimes I wonder if my plan to blog my next two books, ‘Talk To Me,’ and ‘The River Always Flows,’ is just pissing in the wind. I have done it (chapter by chapter) but I don’t see much evidence of increased hits on those blogs. I am thinking that the stats I get may not reflect the actual number reading them. For example- where the link goes via Twitter or FB--- are those hits shown on my stats?
I said that I would put up the next chapters, once they hit 100----well there’s a long way to go for both books, so I may have to revise down the numbers.

Damn-----I thought--- I need to take some action so I emailed a reporter who had interviewed me for my first two books; ‘Coastal Yarns’ and ‘Roskill’ (both are still available direct --- through me  neilcolemanauthor@gmail.com). I told her about my little scheme to release them on my blog, chapter by chapter. She got back to me pretty quickly and said that she would do an article on my plan as it is a bit unusual.
So why am I doing it like this? OK--- to be blunt--- I am sick of been kicked around by an industry that has so many hooks. Add my naivety into the mix and you can see why I am having trouble. I can’t say much because I don’t want to attract negative (legal) attention. I know I couldn’t fight such actions.
The short answer is that by monetizing my blogs there is a small chance that I can recoup some of my expenses and then be able to sell my books (hard copy and eBook) myself. I have an accountant who can help me with tax etc. and I will be seeing a web designer next week to set up a new website.
What is the chance of ever getting any money that way?  Bugger all actually. It requires thousands of people to clicking on the ads that appear on the side of my blog and that is only if the reader has the adds bar active. Many people disable that option, so I miss out.
Then there is the question about what adverts should appear. I have control over that and I initially had chat sites and online dating services advertised. I was uncomfortable about some of them--- especially the one about ‘bored housewives’--- you get the picture? It seems that those sites were the ones that attracted the hits, so I have a dilemma. Should I have a conscience and not score many hits, or do I swallow my pride and just let it all find a pattern?
 Don’t be surprised if I compromise my standards as I see the stats remaining dead in the water. For your information, I have achieved the grand total of $7 US so far--- What a joke.
If you want to help--- get your advert bars back on and click away. I shall always let you know how rich I am  (NOT) becoming.
 Thanks for your help so far.